Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Randomize
