i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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