i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
