Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
