Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
