It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
