The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
