I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
