Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
