You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
