My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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