well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
