I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
