please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
