i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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