i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Blood and glitter go together right?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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