This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A+ Viking dick
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
