You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
