they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
