There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
