Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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