she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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