put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
