I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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