i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
