You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
