So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
