My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
