My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
