I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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