Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
