My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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