U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
