This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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