im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
