Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
