thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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