The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
