I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
