So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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