I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
