Sponge bath it is.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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