please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
