We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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