Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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