Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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