sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
