3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
