wanna go halves on a baby?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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