And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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