I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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