The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this beer tastes like vomit already
worst night to have a conscience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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