goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
