dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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