So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
