Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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