Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
please come you make the beer taste better
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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