I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
